The Dangers of Ego

Every fandom across all cultural spheres contains a proportion of individuals who make said fandom their entire identity, and who get very worked-up when someone else has a different though related passion. This can range from the eye-rollingly silly, like the Harry Potter nerds who named their child Hermione, filters all current events through the lens of Hogwarts houses, and frankly need to read a different book, to the deadly-serious, like the various Ultras factions notorious within the broader realm of football hooliganism. Of course, the martial arts world is no different, with people often being militantly obsessed with their own chosen style. If anything, martial arts is particularly bad for this, as its classically-masculine allure makes it a magnet for people with enormous but brittle egos.

I encountered a perfect example of this entirely ego-driven martial artist’s dick-waving the other week on Instagram, with some random claiming (I paraphrase, but only slightly) that really people should learn a ‘proper’ martial art like Muay Thai if they want to defend themselves, the implication being that Krav Maga is crap. They continued by suggesting that I should ‘try mugging a Muay Thai fighter and see how you get on’, never mind that I have zero interest in mugging anyone, nor teaching people how to be better thugs. So far, so daft, but it got even more bizarre when this anonymous individual offered to ‘set up a fight with an ex-Muay Thai fighter so I could prove my art’, at which point I shut the conversation down, because I don’t live in some odd facsimile of Karate Kid where the challenger comes and defeats me in single combat and, having proven themselves the ‘better’ fighter, takes my dojo, my house, and presumably my wife as well. I believe in what I do, my capacity to teach and practice it, and the value it brings to those who come through my door, so I have absolutely no inclination to prove myself to anyone, not least some passing knobhead on Insta who has some burning need to be cock-of-the-roost.

The above experience was little more than a weird but amusing diversion, of no consequence to anyone apart from, perhaps, the guy on the other end of the conversation, but it illustrates the broader point of what I want to actually discuss: the problem of unchecked ego. A certain amount of ego and self-regard is healthy and necessary. Call it ‘confidence’, because essentially, genuine confidence is simply having an appropriate measure of ego, so that one can carry themselves with poise and esteem (refer back to my last article about Self-Defence for Kids for a more thorough examination of confidence). The problem arises when that confidence tips into arrogance, and/or is an illusory mask to disguise a lack of sincere self-esteem. This is when we get to phenomena such as ‘fragile masculinity’, which is really a matter of fragile ego, and the violence that can result from this ego being challenged in some - often very minor - way. Of course, women are not immune from the affliction of fragile ego, and also act in destructive ways when their superficial bubble of confidence gets pricked, but this generally does not manifest in a physically-violent manner (though there are always exceptions) and thus is not especially relevant to our overarching area of concern: self-defence and personal safety.

The unfortunate - perhaps, if we’re being less charitable, emotionally-stunted - individual possessing a fragile ego, upon encountering a challenge to their standing - real or imagined - reacts in some volatile manner in order to restore this standing, or at least their inner sense of it. These challenges take many forms, be it a dressing-down at work, to an insult thrown in the street, to even something as trivial as a glance in their direction, perceived as ‘disrespectful’ in some way. We are all familiar with these behaviours: we’ve seen it depicted in the media, experienced it in our own lives, and - if we’re really honest with ourselves - have to some extent been guilty of it at some point in our lives. Teenage boys and young men especially are very prone to ego-driven outbursts, as their understanding of themselves and their place in the world is still very tenuous. There are also neurological factors in play with young men, as the male brain isn’t fully-developed until the man is in his 20s, and thus emotional intelligence and impulse control is somewhat reduced as compared to their female peers or men in their 30s (not that this excuses poor behaviour, but it does at least allow us to understand and hopefully ameliorate it). The problem is, quite apart from the individual’s restored sense of status being something of a mirage - think of the bridges one can burn with say a friend or colleague who unwittingly touches a nerve and gets their head bitten off - is that not only can an outburst born of a bruised ego be violent in its own right (with obvious consequences for all parties) but it can also cause the slighted individual to get themselves deeper into trouble as they rise to the challenge.

A classic of the genre would be the young lad who gets called a “pussy” from across the street by his peers, and wheels round to demand “what did you call me?!?!” and thus instantly escalates the situation. Some readers might recognise this situation as the beginnings of a ‘Monkey Dance’, a term coined by Rory Miller (a writer in the martial arts and self-defence space for whom I have a great deal of time) that neatly captures the outward appearance of primative posturing and dominance peddling, and the atavistic cognitive processes that underpin it. A very experienced colleague of mine, Harj from Krav Maga West, shared a deeply confronting video exemplifying exactly this pattern of behaviour, and the possible consequences of it taken to its extreme conclusion. Two groups of lads, fronting and posturing, are clearly in the midst of a confrontation. One pulls a knife and the groups start to disengage. Then, disaster. Someone calls him a ‘bitch’ and the fight is straight back on, culminating in a young man getting fatally stabbed. Two lives ended, one literally, the other figuratively. Why? Because everyone involved was too damn proud and steeped in their own egos and obsession with saving face to just walk away. You can find the video here on YouTube, but please be warned it is deeply unpleasant to watch, so viewer discretion is advised. That being said, I believe it’s important that we do not look away from such horrors, to confront with clear eyes just how dangerous an unchecked and fragile ego can be, and to understand the social dynamics in play under such circumstances, so that maybe we can avoid a similar grim fate.

So, what can we do? Obviously, we don’t want to be supine and beholden to the caprices of others out of a misplaced humility; that’s just as unhealthy as overblown self-regard. But at the same time, we must pick our battles. In the self-defence context, when some scrote issues a challenge of some sort, be it “what you looking at, cunt?” or every playground bully’s favourite, the Dick-Head Shoulder Barge, disregard it and carry on your business. The asshole at the bar says you spilt his drink? Suck up your pride and apologise (even if he is blatantly full of it) and offer to buy him another pint. Yeah, you’ll get that justifiable sense of indignation - “how dare he?!?!” - but in the grand scheme of things, it’s a big load of nothing. Let them believe that they’ve won. Let them call you a “bitch” or a “pussy” or whatever else as you maintain your stride and walk away. It simply does not matter. Offensive words and hurt feelings are not worth potentially dying over. Keep your composure and rant about it later on your mates’ group chat. It might be a cliché, but Be The Bigger Man. and don’t let your own ego suck you in to the ego games of others; it might just save your life.

All blog posts are reflective of the private opinions of the author, and are not to be considered as an officially-held position of any organisation, including the IKMF and Pentagon Krav Maga. Pentagon Krav Maga, the IKMF and the author will not held be liable for any action or inaction taken by a third-party as a result of this article.